Emotions!

So much to blog and I don't know where to start. First off when I imagined having a baby this is not quite what it was so supposed to be like. Having the news of twins was the most shocking, awesome, nervous time of my life, overwhelmed to say the least but overwhelmed with joy! Going into the hospital at 21weeks 6days overwhelmed but not with joy, scared, surreal, WHY ME! Doctors telling me the boys won't make it, I would deliver in the next 48 hours and they don't recesutate at 22 weeks (for very good reasons) again overwhelmed with fear and everything feeling surreal feelings of numbness, helplessness and scared. Makeing it to 25 weeks with both boys growing, great heart rates and moving around like crazy the feelings of joy, pride that the docotrs were wrong, relief that they would have a chance if they were born this early. Delivering two beautiful boys by emergency c-section at 25w 3d not hearing a cry from Jonathan but hearing one from our precious Preston, the medical team that we would get to know very well rushing both boys to the NICU the feelings of being ripped off, someone just sucking the air out of you, I don't know if I'm to cry or be happy so I just lay there desperate for answers of why! My husband rushing to the NICU as proud as a daddy should be taking video of the boys, they were so small, the doctors telling my husband to go and get me because Preston was very sick and not going to make it, crying for 6 hours until Preston passed in my arms he was so strong, so beautiful, feelings of hatered toward the docotrs for not saving my son for not giving me something so I wouldn't deliver wanting to blame, blame, blame! Looking at Jonathan a little fighter himself, our miracle, our hero. 21 weeks of crying not knowing what the next day will bring, scared of the phone ringing, scared for our 2 pound baby getting surgery. Then it was joys of happiness, laughter the longing of our son to be home with us, our family was complete.

After being home for 4 months, Jonathan starting arching his back takeing him to the doctors he thinks its his formula so we change it then change it again 5 times in one month he is severly miserable he is losing weight, when he was doing so good. We end up in the hospital for failure to thrive they want us to try medication (prevacid) and 5 days later were home and he is back to our happy growing baby. Then a month later he doesn't want to eat and he not losing weight but not gaining, we go to our 6 months evalutaion follow up since being dischared from the NICU the neurologist is concerned about his head control, she liked how he was grabing the bell and spoon she gave him and he put it in his mouth but that head control is very unsteady, he did lift it and lower it but he just can't keep that nogging up. Were sent for him to get a chromosome testing she thinks it might be genitics however there is nothing genetically wrong with either side of our families! We don't get the results till this friday, then he had to get a ct scan they think he might have a brain bleed that wasn't detected in the NI eventhough he had 6 ultrasounds done and all were negative, and we got the results of the ct scan and its negative and looks normal. The next thursday we go to his new ped. doctor and she wants us to go to the hospital since he lost an ounce so again here we are for failure to thrive a month later, its now 3am on monday he had an upper GI done and everthing structurally is normal, we have a scope today at 830am he is now on his i.v. They since increased his prevacid to twice a day (today he did phenominal eating 20 ozs of milk at 28 cal an ounce, a tbsp of cereal with butter, an ounce of squash). I am again terrified, emotions of sorrow, helplessness and the inevitable question of why! He has to be intubated because he will be under anestethia and they want to do an mri they are still convinced there is something wrong with his head. I have cryed so much tonight, I am so scared for him I am scared about him being intubated, I just want them to find out what is wrong and fix it make him feel better there is nothing worse then watching your baby suffer in pain and there is nothing you can do to to make them feel better, I just hold him and love him. Its so frusterating, when do these feeling subside, when do you feel like everthing is going to be o.k when do you stop worring about everything? I know I will never stop worring but when do we get to worry about simple things like when is his first tooth going to come in, when is his next immunizations when is the next well baby check up not every week check ups for weight gain, should we get his first haircut on his birthday (he really only has peach fuzz so so much for that one). All I can do is ask for continued pray all the prayers he received did something he is here by the miracle of GOD and all of your prayers. He is the greatest little boy in the world that is so loved and his story touches and will continue to touch many lives. Jonathan one day you will read this and think I was a worry wart but I want you to know I love you with all my heart I will never stop and I will be a worry wart your whole life. Your my hero little buddy I love you, mommy!